Diary of the Mistress
Once we got home, Chris stayed downstairs sitting down on the curb next to his bike. He hadn’t uttered a word to me since the hospital, not once glancing my way or making an effort to acknowledge my presence. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, the way he was acting is normal now though, him pushing me away has become a regular thing. Maybe he’ll call Ashton.
I stood in the window, watching as he remained seated, his head resting in the palms of his tattoo hands. The look in his eyes once he realized that I aborted our child broke my heart, for the first time I saw that he actually wanted us to have a family.
For the first time, I was the one hurting him and not the other way around.
Forcing myself to look away, I trudged out of the door and towards the center of our apartment complex, stopping at the mailbox. My hands were shaky as I pulled the keys from my back pocket, fidgeting with them until I found the right one to unlock the chrome box.
My breathing grew shallow once I glanced down to see an envelope addressed to me, everything changing within an instant. Unable to wait, I tore the letter open, the frown on my face replaced with a smile once I read the words neatly printed on the single sheet of paper.
If I had the ability to kick my own self in the ass, I would. No, I’d do more than that. I deserve to be punished, because of my selfishness, Ellie killed my child. Granted, she didn’t have the right to do that without my permission, but I also didn’t have the right to treat her like a doormat. I stayed outside once we got home as a way to avoid the talk that was inevitable, knowing that words would be yelled and feelings would get hurt, something that I didn’t mind putting off for a while.
As I sat there, I envisioned my son or daughter and the life that they could have had if it weren’t for Ellie and I playing these foolish and petty games. Minutes later, I was unable to withstand the blazing heat, stumbling to my feet and grasping onto the helmet of my bike before dragging myself into the house.
Upon walking in, I was greeted with Ellie, her head down as she zipped up a large suitcase.
“What’s going on?” I asked, throwing my helmet onto the couch.
Ellie suddenly stood still, standing up to meet my gaze, a smile falling onto her face. “I got the internship.” She practically squealed, clasping her hands together.
“So…” I trailed off, letting my brows fall.
“What do you mean so, Chris?”
“I mean you just killed our fucking kid, so what you got an internship.” My words came out harsh and cruel, but how she was acting was just as disgusting.
“I was so damn stupid to think that you’d actually be happy for me.” Ellie scoffed, her suitcase making a loud thud nose when she dropped it to the floor.
“Oh, don’t do that shit.” I spat, quickly clenching my jaw. “Don’t you dare try and make me feel like the asshole in this situation.”
“So you’re saying I’m the asshole for getting rid of something you didn’t want in the first place?” Ellie challenged with her arched eyebrows raised.
“I didn’t-!” Pursing my lips, I ran my hands over my face, trying to regain my composure. “I never said I didn’t want the baby, Ellie. You assumed that I didn’t want it.”
“Oh, so your little remark that I got my own self pregnant was your way of rejoicing?” She yelled back, walking closer to my face.
Dropping my head, I let out a chuckle, rolling my eyes. “Man, whatever.”
“No, Chris. Please keep going. Tell me how much of a bitch I am, tell me how much you hate being in this relationship. Tell me why I’ve been wasting all of my fuckin’ time for you to play these games.”
Slamming my hand against the wall, I snapped, folding my lips up tight. “Stop with that bullshit, Ellie. You did this just as much as me, it takes two people to fuck up a relationship.”
“Well I’m not the one out sleeping around.” She hissed, staring at me with her green eyes.
For a moment, I stayed silent, mostly because I had no come back.
“I’m leaving, Chris.” She whispered, sliding her sweater on.
My body felt weak so I needed to sit, using the arm of the couch as a balance, I slid down onto the cushion, looking down at my feet. “Why?” I mumbled, during all the dirt that I was doing, I never thought about Ellie actually leaving me.
“Because-.” Ellie sighed, walking over to me and sitting down as well. “I think we need this. The space might do as good, maybe that’s what you need, some time to think about what you want.”
“So that’s what you do? Huh?” I breathed, holding onto the side of my face and turning to look at her.
“What?” She whispered, pushing her hair from her eyes.
“You kill my child then you just leave me? That’s how you’re going to end this?”
Huffing, Ellie threw her hand up at me and stood to her feet, pulling her suitcase to the door and opening up to let it bright rays of sunshine. “I still love you, Chris. But if I don’t do this internship, I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll be back in 2 months, maybe then we can pick back up.”
“No. We can’t.” I roared, standing onto my feet and latching onto the door. I stared down at her impatiently with my jaw clenched. “If you leave now, we’re done. Don’t think I’m waiting on you. So you go to Africa and you have fun interning, but I won’t be here when you get back.”
The look on her face was almost like she couldn’t believe the words flying from my lips, but neither could I. For a few seconds, we both stood still, perhaps both of us were terrified of being alone. For once we won’t have each other.
“Bye, Chris.” She whispered with a crack in her voice, her green eyes were glossy when she looked back; a piece of my heart breaking when locked eyes.
After Ellie left, it felt like she took a part of me with her, so many years in this relationship and now it’s all wasted. My gaze was on the TV, but my mind was elsewhere, the fact that she really left amazed me. I never thought that we would break up, even though we have constant drama, Ellie was safe. She was like my home, now where do I go?
Throughout the night, I’d wake up to wrap my arms around her, only to remember that she was gone. Not just any type of gone, but all the way across the world gone, the type that I can’t just call her up or drive to where she was.
Those thoughts made my heart ache.
The whole floor was hush the minute that I walked in, all eyes on me as I inched closer and closer down the hall. It was obvious that Abraham announced my being fired to everyone in the building, the tension awkward and uncomfortable. As soon as I that I made it inside of my office, I eased the door shut, closing my blinds before falling down onto the sofa under the window. Within seconds I crumbled, not working unusual for me, especially since I helped Abraham make this company what it is today.
I couldn’t help but be frustrated with him, whether he was in a coma or not. Everything that had taken place within the few previous days finally hit me, from Abraham attacking me, to going with Chris to Ellies’ parents’ house but the most vivid memory in my mind was his lips on mine.
I’ve practically forced myself to think of something else, Chris running after Ellie showed whose feelings were more important in his eyes, again I’m the one who gets left behind, but I’m growing used to that.
My hands caught my tears before they fell down my cheeks as I placed them to my face, taking a deep breath when I heard light taps on my door. Stopping, I was convinced that it was the security of the company, ready to escort me out of the building.
Clearing the water from my face, I stood to my feet, reluctantly pulling the door open to be greeted with his face.
“What are you doing here?”