Diary of the Mistress
I fucking hate pity, which is why I opted to spend the holidays alone. The calls from my mother asking when I would be coming home were the hardest, having to lie and tell her I was too busy with work, when in all actuality I was too embarrassed to return home made this even more difficult. To be asked ‘When are you going to be settling down?’ or ‘When are you going to give me grandchildren?’ doesn’t sound appealing to me. Just thinking of being in that awkward situation makes me want to vomit, the questions irritating and overwhelming at the same time.
Earlier this morning my sister called promising that she would be here to spend the eve of Christmas with me, but being that she is the flakiest person, I won’t hold my breath for it. The thing about it though is I’m comfortable being alone on this holiday or any holiday for that matter.
I’m perfectly fine.
That’s what I tell myself, but we all know I’m not. No one voluntarily spends the holidays alone, but it’s way easier to be alone than to go in front of my family and explain why I live all the way in the city by myself with no husband or kids.
Yeah, I’d much rather be alone.
Sinking down into the sofa, I let my feet dangle off the side, cold chills scattering across my body as air seeped through the crack in the window. For the first time in what it seems like forever I didn’t have Abraham on my mind, but for some reason Chris continued to pop into my thoughts.
I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing or to smile when I thought of what bullshit was coming from his lips. I let my head dive deep into the soft pillow, the TV barely loud enough to hear but it didn’t matter because the last thing that mattered to me was some Christmas special.
Christmas, I fucking hate this holiday. It reminds me of him, not Abraham, but the love of my life. Chris might occasionally pop into my mind, but he has made a permanent home there.
The man who showed me real love.
“Keep still.” Leo whispered in between laughs, his thumb brushing against my cheek. “Make a wish.” He held his finger in front of my face, a thin eyelash resting on his skin.
Slowly closing my eyes, I softly blew the eyelash off his finger, looking up to see his light brown eyes staring back at me.
“What you wish for?” He asked, biting down his bottom lip.
“It wasn’t important,” I breathed, my knees up against his as we sat across from each other on the bed. “Because I already have what I want.” I smiled, softly brushing my fingers through his short curls.
“What’s that?” Leo asked with a smirk on his face, his hands on my thighs.
Leaning forward, I pressed my hands on both sides of him into the mattress, pushing his body down so that we were forehead to forehead. Sitting on my knees, Leo gripped onto my hips, leaning his head up so that our lips barely touched. His goatee brushed against my skin but I didn’t mind, I’d do anything to feel his body up against mine.
“I love you, Ashton. Just thank you for being patient and I guess understanding. You don’t have to do this.” He said, my eyes watching as his tongue slid along his bottom lip.
“Yes, I do.” I smiled, pulling the Santa hat from his head and throwing it on the floor. “I’ll do anything for you, Leonardo.”
His honey eyes met mine, his perfectly plump lips turning into the large smile that I love so much. The smile that has me in this situation right now.
Turning onto my side, I held onto his hand and wrapped it around my waist as I scooted close to him, our bodies nearly glued together. Leo buried his face into the back of my neck, his warm breath hitting my skin and sending tingles though my body.
“Why me, Ash?” Leo sighed, his leg sliding in between my thighs and the bottom of his sock brushing against the top of my foot.
“Why you what, baby?” I asked, fidgeting with the tips of his fingers as I turned to look at him from the corner of my eye.
“Why are you going through all of this to be with…me?”
Pressing my lips together, I quickly flipped so that we were eye to eye and pressed my palm to his cheek. “Because I love you, Leo. Just you.”
Scooting over onto his back, he rested his hand on my thigh, my leg wrapping around his waist.
“I’ll wait as long as it takes.” I whispered, my head nuzzled on his chest, inhaling his scent.
Leo didn’t say anything, his grip around me loosening as the room became completely still.
In an instant my whole world stopped, air no longer able to pass through my lungs as I stared at his purple lips. Wide eyed, I quickly sat up, gripping onto his face.
“Leo!” I screamed, slapping his chest as my vision became blurry.
His honey eyes pierced me, but they weren’t the same eyes that made me weak to his knees, they weren’t my Leos’ eyes. Stumbling to my feet, I snatched the phone up from the floor, my fingers shaking so badly that it was difficult for me to press the buttons.
Impatiently waiting for the operator to pick up, I glanced back to see his lifeless body lying in the middle of the bed, nothing making sense anymore.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
My voice trembled, tears escaping from my eyes. “Please help, I think my husband’s dead.”
I hate love and love hates me.
When I say I hate love, I mean it. I hate everything about it. I hate how it makes you feel. How it controls you and your emotions. When you fall in love with someone, you’re screwed. They will always leave you, it’s inevitable.
Like he left me. He left me alone with this wedding ring and these plans that we won’t ever fulfill. For a while I hated him. I hated him because he made me hide this marriage, when he died I was left alone.
But if I had to it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I stumbled into the building, my heels clicking and clacking against the marble floors as I stepped out of the elevator. Walking down the pathway, I felt all eyes on me, my head popping up to see everyone looking at me from their cubicles.
“You got a fuckin’ staring problem?” I spat, my brows low and words slurred. Tripping over my own feet, my hands hit flat against the floor, drool falling from my lips. “Shit.” I giggled, quickly clasping my hand over my mouth to quiet down my loud laughs.
Grasping onto a metal door knob, I pulled myself up, the door opening up some to reveal a man sitting at his desk. “My bad.” I grinned, my body wobbling as I stood to my feet.
Swaying to the side, I quickly gripped onto the threshold of the door, my heels leaning to the side. All the alcohol that I had consumed earlier that day was on the verge of coming back up, my lips pressing tight together in attempt to keep it in. Unable to, the liquids flew from my lips, looking up to see the well-dressed covered in my vomit. Instantly my stomach felt better, my heart still aching though. The sight of Leo in that casket seemed to haunt me, the alcohol the only thing that numbed the pain.
“I’m so so-.” Before I could finish, I gripped tight onto my mouth and rushed further into his office towards the private bathroom.
“Uh…” I heard the man on the other side of the frosted glass door, his muscular silhouette visible.
Burying my head back into the toilet, it felt like everything that I had ever consumed came back up, my hair falling into my face. Once I felt relieved, I pressed all my weight onto the seat of the toilet, gaining my balance and walking over to the glass sink.
Turning the water off and wiping the corner of my mouth, I pulled open the door to see the light skinned man leaning up against the wall, his arms large and folded across his chest. Looking up at me, his dimples deepened as his lips curled into a smile.
“I’m sorry, I just had a rough morning.” I mumbled, easing the door shut behind me.
The guy stood up straight, smoothening out his tie. “It’s fine. Are you okay?”
Clearing my throat, I licked my lips and looked down. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I lied.
I was not fine, not even a little bit.
Walking over to me, the man ran his hand across my cheek. “Here.” He snickered, smoothening out the top of my hair. “I’m Abraham.” He slid his hands into his pocket, his cologne strong and making me somewhat nauseas.
“Ashton.” I breathed, pushing my bangs from my face.
Furrowing my eyebrows, I quickly licked my lips and slowly nodded my head. “How do you know?”
Smirking, his lips turned to the side and his brown eyes lit up. “I’m your new boss.”
Just my luck.
My phone rang loud throughout my quiet house, my body jumping somewhat from the startling noise. Clearing my throat, I snatched my phone up from the coffee table, glancing down to see Gias’ name on the screen.
I already knew what was coming, her breaking our plans. Typical Gia.
Putting the phone to my ear, I stared out the large window. “Hey, Gia.”
“Ashton!” My sister, Gia, screamed into the phone, loud noise in the background.
Pulling the phone back some from my ear, I slid my feet down flat onto the floor and hunched forward some. “What’s up, Gia?” I asked, rolling my eyes some.
“I’m so glad I caught you, Ash. I’ve got some bad news.”
Huffing loudly, I already tuned her out; her cancelling on me is nothing new.
“I’m not going to be able to make it, something came up.” Gia continued, a male voice mixing with hers. “I’m really sorry, but I-.”
“You’ll make it up to me.” I butted in, my attitude towards her changing. So badly I wanted her to hear it in my voice that I needed her this year, she knew exactly why, but she either she didn’t notice or she didn’t care.
Either way it hurt.
“You sure it’s okay?” She asked, but I know that my answer wouldn’t make a difference.
“Yeah.” I lied, forcing a smile onto my face as if she could see me.
After hanging up the phone, I sat alone with my thoughts, Leos’ face stuck in my head. I miss him.
I felt foolish to be disappointed, because I’m used to being alone by now. Two years without Leo, the loneliness is something that I’ve become comfortable with. It’s easy to be alone; at least I don’t have to worry about growing attached to someone and lose them.
I can’t lose someone else close to me again, my heart can’t take it.
The library was growing empty, my eyes heavy from the long study session, well cram session that I had just finished. Standing to my feet, I looped my messenger bag across my chest, gripping onto the stack of books and walking towards the exit.
Turning around, I used my back to push the door open, hearing someone yelp out from the other side. Quickly jerking my head around, I saw that the door had just knocked a guy down, his hand gripping onto the top of his head.
Dropping my books, I knelt down and held onto his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
Rubbing his head, the caramel skinned guy looked up at me with his light brown eyes. “No, you hit me!” He screamed, the veins in his neck bulging out.
Caught off by his anger, I lowered my eyebrows, the urge that I had to help him quickly faded away since he was being an asshole. “Well actually, you ran into the door.”
“Oh, how so?” He was visibly irritated, removing his hand to reveal a large red contusion on his head.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the way he was acting, pressing my lips together to contain my smile. “Uh, because that’s the exit.” I smirked, pointing to the large exit sign hanging over the door.
Rolling his eyes, the guy looked up at the sign and his lips turned into a smile. Dusting his hands off, he slowly nodded his head and grunted as he stood up.
“Hi, my name is asshole.” He grinned, reaching his large hand forward.
“Hello asshole, I’m Ashton.” Smirking, my hand met his and lightly shook it. “It was nice meeting you, but I have to go. I have finals in the morning.”
Bending over, I picked up all my books and shifted them until I had a comfortable grip on all of them. “Bye.” I smiled, admiring his beautiful face.
“Wait.” He called after me, quickly catching up. “I mean since you hit me. Well I mean when you hit your head, you’re supposed to be watched, right? Like I can die if I fall asleep.”
Dropping my head, a grin fell onto my face. “Wow, dramatic much?”
Licking his lips, the asshole of a guy flashed a beautiful smile, his teeth ridiculously perfect. “I mean, I’m just saying. I wouldn’t want that to be on your conscious or anything.”
“Oh, is that right? Yeah I would hate to live with that for the rest of my life.”
The sun had completely set; the campus lights bright on the dark campus, his skin illuminated under the lamp post.
“You live in the dorms?” He asked, sticking his hands into the pocket of his dark jeans and hunching forward some so that he was looking into my eyes.
Slowly nodding my head, I shifted my books into my other arm, resting my weight on one hip.
“Well at least let me walk you home. That way if I do go into a coma or something, then you can save my life.”
Giggling, I bit down on my bottom lip, the charming strangers’ offer sounding appealing. “Fine, but you’re a stranger so you have to carry my books, just in case you try and kill me I can run first.” Grinning I handed him my books, walking ahead of him.
I heard his feet hitting against the pavement as he rushed to walk next to me, the books that were so heavy to me seemed to be no problem for him.
We walked in silence, the guy looking over at me every few seconds. Clearing his throat, the guy stayed quiet for a moment, almost as if he were thinking what to say.
Knowing that he was nervous, I decided to talk first, hoping that would calm him down some. “You never told me your name.” I sighed, my warm breath mixing with the cold air.
Stopping, he turned to look at me, my feet stopping as well. “It’s Leonardo.”
“Like the actor?” I asked, slightly laughing.
“Ah.” Pressing his lips together, he flashed a quick smile. “That’s exactly why I go by Leo.”
Grinning, I used my tongue to wipe my teeth. “Well I was just making sure.”
Leo laughed, his long fingers gripping onto the spine of the books. “Thanks for making me feel more embarrassed of my name.” He teased, raising his eyebrows.
“Aw don’t be sensitive; I’m just messing with you.” Bumping into his hips, I continued to walk again.
My feet dug into the moist dirt, the light next to the dorm building barely lit. “Well this is me.” I sighed, grabbing the books from him. “Thanks for walking me home, Leo.”
His fingers brushed against mine, his brown eyes were so beautiful. “Don’t mention it. Thank you for knocking me out and nearly killing me.”
“Damn, you are just a girl, huh?”
“Hey, I’m sensitive.” He grinned, softly patting his chest.
“Goodbye, Leo.” I grinned, lowering my head and looking at him through my lashes.
Walking to the door, I turned around and looked at him before entering the building. Leo rubbed his hands together, the tip of his nose red. “Can I see you again?” He hesitantly asked, look at me with his large eyes.
I couldn’t help but smile, my cheeks growing red. Trailing my tongue along my bottom lip, I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Maybe.”
With that, I turned around and walked into the building, the door slamming behind me. As I walked towards my dorm room, my lips remained curled into a smile. Little did I know that would be the love of my life.
I stood at the window, watching as the snow sprinkled down onto the dirty sidewalks, carolers standing at the corner of the street and singing in harmony. At the moment when I wanted to be alone, I felt like the Grinch. During this time of the year everything seems to remind me of Leo; from the weather, to the Christmas decorations, all the way to ambulance sirens. He’s always on my mind.
Taking a deep breath, I walked to the back of the house and crawled into my bed. Pressing my eyes shut, I tried to force myself to sleep this holiday away, hoping that the time I wake up it would be over.
My phone ringing from the front room interrupted my attempt at sleep, my body quickly sitting up. Stumbling to my feet, I almost slipped as I made it to the couch, snatching my phone up.
Without looking at the caller ID, I put it to my ear. “Hello.” I sighed, taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling it through my nose.
“Have you been naughty or nice?” A deep raspy voice said into the phone.
Lowering my eyebrows, I pulled the phone back to look at the caller ID. “What do you want, Christopher?” I grinned, pinching the phone in between my ear and shoulder and sitting on the edge of the arm rest.
Sucking his teeth, I could hear him smiling through the phone. “Open the door.” His voice was deep and sexy.
Peering out the window, I saw Chris staring up at my window, a cute smile on his face.
“K.” I agreed, ending the call and sliding the phone into my back pocket. Quickly checking myself in the mirror, I put my palm over my mouth, blowing my breath out to make sure it was fresh before heading over to the door.
Unlatching the door, Chris was walking down the hall in a large Santa Clause outfit. His bright skin blended well with the red suit, his dimples sinking in as he smiled his adorable grin.
“Hey you.” I giggled, biting down on the corner of my lip. “What are you doing here?”
“Well Ellie and I were doing some volunteer work for the orphanage before we leave tomorrow. I bought you something though.” Pulling a perfectly wrapped box from behind his back, Chris held the gift in front of me.
Trying to hide the smile, I took the box from him, our eyes locking.
“Don’t open it until tomorrow though, I’ll know.” Chris snickered, grasping onto the leather belt over the suit, patting his fake stomach.
Playfully rolling my eyes, I leaned in and wrapped an arm around his long body, his scent still irresistible.
“Alright, I gotta get going. Ellie is waiting for me downstairs.”
I looked up at Chris, nodded my head. “Thanks, Chris.”
Licking his lips, Chris flashed me a small smile. “I’ll see you after the New Year okay?”
“Okay.” I hesitantly said, a hint of sadness in my voice. I honestly didn’t want him to leave, his presence alone made me feel so much better.
Chris quickly kissed my cheek before walking back towards the exit.
“Bye, Santa!” I called after him, smirking.
Turning around, Chris smiled wide, stopping in the middle of the hall. “Mr. Clause if you’re nasty.” He winked, lowering and raising his eyebrows.
Chris disappeared down the hallway, a smile still on my face as I gripped onto the neatly wrapped gift. Sighing, I walked back into the house, hearing the motorcycle revving up on the side of the street. I quickly rushed over to the window, peeping down to see Chris adjusting on the bike, Ellie climbing onto the back and gripping onto his body.
I can see why Chris is crazy about her, she’s beautiful. I can’t compete with that. I watched as the sped down the street, Chris’ Santa hat blowing with the wind. Once they were out of sight, I looked down at the box, tempted to open it.
Giving in, I tore at the red paper, surprised by what he got for me. Probably the most thoughtful gift ever, he actually cares.