Diary of the Mistress
I hate you.
I wish I could say those words to him and actually mean them. I don’t hate him. I love him; I love him so much that it’s pitiful. I love him so much that I’m ashamed in myself.
I’m in love with a married man.
He slid his foot in between the door before I was able to slam it, staring at me with those large brown eyes, expecting for me to give in.
I always give in, always.
My heart hurts when I think of losing him, the little of him that I do have. The thought of no longer having this affair scares me, maybe because then I’ll be alone.
That’s my biggest fear, to live the rest of my life by myself, so I settle for this. I settle for being his side piece that only gets spurs of his time, our fingers grasping at each other’s bodies whenever we get a moment alone.
This is not my idea love; it’s no one’s idea of love.
The look he gives me, it’s so…irresistible. He knows that. He knows how to work me, exactly how to press my buttons. That’s the worst part. This happens often, Abraham disappearing with no word and reappearing with some sorry ass excuse.
Like I said, I always give in. I let him whisper those lies into my ear with his husky voice, somehow our lips end up colliding and our clothes fall to the floor. Every time.
That’s what he expects to happen today, to get some morning sex from his mistress while his wife is at home tending to the chores and taking care of the children. He will have his way with my body, hold me as if I was the only woman in the world and then leave.
I end up lying in the sheets feel dirty and alone, forced to live with my decisions. He chases me, this is not one sided. But why do I give in?
You can’t help who you fall in love with, not even a gold band around the ring finger can stop those feelings. Trust me, I know.
Gripping onto the steel door handle, I stared at him, my lips pressed tight together as I watched him squirm. It’s usually not this hard, by now his hands would be tugging at the thin material of my clothing.
Not this time though.
“Why are you here?” I muttered, the attitude audible in my voice.
Abraham took a deep breath, clearing his raspy voice. “Ashton, I’m sorry, okay.”
Chuckling to myself, I shook my head, looking back up at him.
The hall of my building was completely silent, the irritation growing on Abrahams’ face as I continued to stay quiet.
“What do you want from me? I’m sorry, Ashton. I really am.” He said, trying his best to keep his rough voice down to a whisper.
My socked foot tapped against the hardwood floors, my fingers tugging on the thin tank top that I was wearing, suddenly growing uncomfortable to not have clothes on around him.
“I love you. I fucked up, I know. But I love you and you know that. Just let me in so we can talk and fix this.” Abraham held onto the back of his neck, looking up at me with pleading eyes through his thick lashes.
The weak side of me wanted to indulge in my guilty pleasure once more, allowing him to enter my house and do what we do best, but I didn’t.
“No, just move your foot, Abraham.” I spat, my eyebrows raised as I stared at him.
Reluctantly, he slid his foot, the door slamming in his face as he tried to speak again.
I rested my back against the door, slowly exhale and slid down, sitting down on the cool floor. I listened as he stood on the other side of wood, trying his best to convince me to open the door. Making promises, his go to move. His knocking continued to echo through my quiet loft, every few minutes it would stop then pick right back up again.
Standing up, I walked away from the door, knowing that if I stayed there I might do exactly what he wants. Let him in. In attempt to fight that urge, I turned on the shower, stripping down and stepping under the shower head.
My body instantly warmed as the hot water hit my skin, the house was back silent, Abraham no longer knocking. Taking a deep breath, I began to scrub my body, only to hear the loud banging again.
Fed up, I pushed open the shower door, snatching my robe from the towel hook and sliding it on my wet body. I carefully walked over to the door, the constant pounds against the door was beginning to make my head throb, only causing me to become more irritated with him.
“What do you want?” I shouted, yanking the door open.
“Damn.” Chris chuckled, biting down on his bottom lip as he gripped onto his black motorcycle helmet.
“Oh it’s you.” I mumbled, somewhat rolling my eyes. Holding onto the top of my robe, I poked my head out of the side of the door, the hall completely empty besides Chris standing in my doorway.
“Good morning to you too.” Chris smirked, looking up at him to see dimples that I hadn’t noticed before deepening as his beautiful smile widened.
Pulling back in, I crossed my arms over my chest. “Good morning, Chris. Did you need something?” I asked, lowering my head some to look into his brown eyes.
Biting down on his bottom lip, he furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes traveling around my living room. “Yeah, I wanted to check on you. Last night was kind of rough for you…me being the gentleman that I am, wanted to see if you were alright.”
I couldn’t help but let the small smile fall onto my lips, looking at him made me want to melt, he was so…gorgeous.
“Yeah, I’m good.” Quickly licking my lips, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “Thanks for last night, Chris. You didn’t have to do that.”
Chris threw his hand up, a half smile on his face. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.” He sighed, fidgeting with his shiny black helmet. “Alright, then I guess I’m gonna go.” He mumbled, looking up at me.
My eyes explored his tall yellow frame, his body toned as he began to walk away from the door. Taking a deep breath, I gripped onto the door, pushing it up until I heard Chris’ voice.
“Ashton.” He quickly walked back to the door, licking his lips. Taking a deep breath, Chris looked as if he was nervous, his lips pressed together. “You wanna get something to eat?” He hesitantly asked as if I was going to say no.
I was definitely not going to say no.
Nodding my head, I giggled, our eyes locked together. “Sure, just let me go get ready.”
“Can I come in or do I have to wait out here?” Chris chuckled, the same intoxicating scent filling my nose as he inched closer to me. “I’m not going to kill you.” He smirked, our faces barely touching.
Goose bumps formed across my body as he pushed his way into the house, our bodies brushing against each other.
“Come on in.” I said since I knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. After shutting the door and turning around, Chris had already made himself comfortable on the sofa, turning on the television.
“Well since you’re already comfortable, I’m going to go get dressed. I won’t be long.” I mumbled, fighting back the urge to smile as he grinned at me, his skin glowing under the sunlight.
I felt myself blushing once I made it into the bathroom, a part of me excited to see what this could turn into. Hoping that it would turn into something.
Looping my scarf around my neck, I walked towards the living, Chris mumbling into his cell phone before standing up and looking at me.
“You look nice.” He grinned, turning the television off.
My cheeks growing hot, I grabbed my keys from the coffee table, fumbling with them as I waited for him by the door.
The cold air slapped me in the face, bright Christmas lights flashing on the streets since it was close to the actual holiday. Tucking my hands into my pockets, I followed behind Chris down the busy street, my feet stopping as he slowed down, turning to look at me.
“Can we take your car?” He mumbled, the tip of his nose red from the freezing weather.
Raising my eyebrows, I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I don’t have a car.”
Chris looked at me as if I were crazy, as if I was the only New Yorker to not own a car. Chuckling, he shook his head, turning to his bike and handing me the other helmet just as he did last night.
“This should be fun.” He smirked, sliding his helmet on and climbing onto the bike.
Taking a deep breath, I put my helmet on as well, my arms locking tight around Chris as I slid onto the bike. I gripped tight onto the material of his jacket, the fact that I could hold onto him made the bike ride less scary.
Perhaps even enjoyable.
Without warning Chris zoomed down the streets, the wind crashed into my skin through my thick coat and sent chills down my spine. Chris’ warm fingers brushed against mine as he dug into his pocket, pulling out his cell phone and checking something as we sat at the light.
Pulling into a quiet area, Chris parked in front of a small café, turning the motorcycle off. I reluctantly let go of him, gaining my balance before stepping onto the concrete parking lot. Adjusting my bag that was hanging across my chest, Chris climbed off as well, pulling up his jeans before walking towards the entrance.
Sitting across from him in the booth, I couldn’t help but admire his beauty, every imperfection on his face made him even more adorable. Raising his eyes, Chris caught me staring at him, his lips turning into a smirk.
Clearing my throat, I pretended to be interested in whatever was on the shiny menu, my foot tapping against the tiled floor.
“Do you know what you want?” Chris asked, closing up his menu and placing it flat on the table.
“Um, I-.” Before I could finish an older waitress was standing at the end of the table with a small notepad and pencil.
After ordering, we sat in silence, occasionally glancing at one another. Sipping on my orange juice, I stared out the window, Abrahams’ face seeming to pop up into my mind.
“So how long y’all been fuckin’?” Chris bluntly asked, making me nearly spit my juice down onto the wood table.
I looked over at him with my brows low, Chris staring back at me as if he had done nothing wrong. Like he’s oblivious to the fact that he can be an asshole.
Grabbing onto my bag, I stood up from the table. “Look if you brought me here to throw that in my face, I’m good.” I mumbled, sliding from the booth, only to feel his large hand grab onto my wrist.
“Ashton, chill. It was just a question.” He chuckled, staring at me with his large brown orbs. “Just sit down…please.”
Sighing, I shook his hand off of me and sat back down. I didn’t bother to look at him, but I could feel him staring at me as I tapped on the table.
“What do you want from me, Chris?” I asked without breaking my gaze from the thick glass window.
Chris cleared his throat; the waitress coming back interrupted our conversation, the plates clinking against the table as she set them down.
We both thanked her, our voices blending together as we exchanged a glance. Unraveling my fork from the napkin, I took a bite of egg, chewing slowly.
“Look I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Ashton. I’m just trying to figure this out.”
“It’s not for you to figure out though, Chris. I didn’t ask for your help, I’m grown and I handle my own business.”
Chris sucked his teeth, taking a deep breath. “Alright.” He threw his hands up in defeat, taking a gulp of the black coffee inside the large mug.
We ate in silence, stealing glances whenever we could.
Clearing his throat, Chris licked his pink lips and smiled. “I’m sorry, Ash.”
Ash? I felt like my heart stopped for a second, his beautiful smile brightening up the dull diner. I wanted to jump on him right then, the fact that he can be a jerk at time made me stay seated though. The irritation that I had for him seemed to disappear as soon as he grinned.
My lips forming into a smile, I wiped the corner of my mouth and looked up at him. “It’s okay.”
“So you forgive me?” Chris chuckled, his large rough hand grabbing onto mine.
Smirking, I pulled my hand back, digging into my bag for my wallet.
“Put your money away, I got this.” He patted his chest hard as if he were a caveman, his dimples deep as he pulled on the chain attached to his wallet.
Walking back outside, I stood at the entrance and waited for Chris who was still inside on his cell phone. My fingers were numb as the cold wind continued to blow, my lips pressed tight together as I looked into the glass with Chris nowhere in sight.
Huffing, I pulled my phone from my pocket, looking to see that I had a new text message. Opening the application, I felt hands over my eyes, my initial reaction to punch until I heard his smooth voice in my ear.
“Guess who.” He mumbled, his breath warm against my freezing skin.
I couldn’t fight the grin that wanted to fall onto my face, my hands holding onto the top of his.
“You know I could’ve killed you.” I breathed, moving his palms from my face and turning around to look into his chocolate eyes.
Turning his lips to the side, Chris lowered his brows. “You kill me? You’re funny, Ash.” He grinned, grasping onto my hand and dragging me to his bike. “What you wanna do now?” He asked, sliding the helmet on my head.
“I’m tired, Chris. I just want to go home.” I sighed, his hand holding onto mine as I slid onto the bike.
Once situated, Chris turned his head so that he was looking at me from the corner of his eye. “Hold on tight.” He smirked, revving the engine and taking off before I could even think twice.
Stepping onto the curb, I’d never felt more thankful to be on the ground, Chris’ reckless driving nearly gave me a heart attack.
“I’m used to the ladies screaming, but damn, Ash.” Chris snickered, biting down on his bottom lip as he brushed past me.
Pretending to be amused his attempt at humor; I playfully rolled my eyes, his rousing cologne strong when I entered the door before him. Chris’ feet clunked as we walked side by side down the hallway, my heart pounding when we reached my front door.
Fidgeting with my keys, I stuck them inside the lock and pushed the door open.
“Thanks for that, Chris. I had a lot of fun.” I let myself smile, looking down at my feet when I felt my cheeks begin to burn.
“You ain’t gotta thank me, Ashton. Like for real, it’s cool.”
Looking back up at him, he reached his arms out with a cute smile on his adorable face. “Can I get a hug?” He sweetly asked.
Nodding my head, I wrapped my arms around his long torso, burying my face into his neck as he locked his arms around my body. Leaning back, he met my gaze, his hands still holding onto my hips.
Softly pressing my lips to his, Chris quickly stepped back with his brows low.
“Ashton, what are you doing? I have a girlfriend.”
Kill me now.